The Angry Daughter

So I have written this blog a few different ways and each time, it doesn't feel right. The first draft was written full of anger. Then I pulled it back a little and made it a mix of anger and sadness. Then I found this passage and it has taken on a new life of it's own. Instead of talking about how I am so angry that estranged adult children are always blamed for stepping away and saving themselves while their parent is praised for being so courageous and strong for continuing to live without their child in their life. I want to talk about the effects of being the angry daughter. The effects of growing up with a mother that taught me that love must be earned, not given freely.

When I read this the first time, I began to openly weep. Thinking about every relationship in my life, I realized that this is something that I relate to. Looking back at some of the most important friendships, it almost felt like I introduced myself as my disorder. "Hi, I am Alexandria and I have BPD. This makes it hard to be my friend, let me tell you the ways." It was never that blunt, but close enough. I used to think that I did it because I wanted them to see how strong I was. Look at what I've been through, I can do anything. But the truth is I feel like that by telling everyone up front about my flaws, about my BPD, about my sins...it will give them the chance to step away from a friendship before our lives become intertwined and we both end up getting hurt.

"I can't be damned and loved." This is something that I am working through and have been for a while. Love was earned in my mother's house. I've touched on this before, if I did something wrong, I was ostracized. I was ignored, grounded, beaten. I was told that she couldn't even look at me or be near me. I was kicked out at 14 after she backed me into a corner, hand raised to hit me. I pushed her shoulder to get her off of me so I could get away from her. She told my dad that I hit her and she was scared of me. SHE was scared of ME?! Anyway, a few weeks after that, she told me that she was no longer my mother and that she was done with me. Then I did something that she was proud of, so she came back telling me how much she loved me and was proud of me. This pattern has been repeating since I was 14. She would love me as long as I was doing something she could be proud of, but if I was a disappointment...she didn't want me. I think this leads into my people pleasing. If I am breaking my back to make sure the people in my life are taken care of, I will be loved and wanted. But if I say no, I am a disappointments and unloved.

Rhiannon is going to spend the day with her mom and grandma, they are having a little dinner together. I was invited to join, but I turned it down. Her mother said that she knew it was a hard day for me and she thought it would be good for me to be around people who love me. Logically, that makes sense. However, it is not something that I can bring myself to do. I think it goes back to the "I can't be damned and loved". How can all of these women that will be at this dinner love me when I am as damaged as I am. My own mother can't love me, so no one else should be able to either, right?

I have told my mother in law a few times that I don't know how to be a daughter to a mother. And maybe that is just something that I will never learn. But that is okay. I have become that person that I needed as a child. I have built a beautiful life with my wife who has and still is showing me that I am not the monster that my mother (and society) makes me out to be by protecting myself.

There is so much pressure surrounding this day. So many feelings. If you also struggle with this day, know that you are not alone. You are not the problem. You deserve to be loved and seen.

#JoyfulJourneyHappyHeart