Happy Birthday, Mom!
- nycmarathon31
- Feb 21
- 3 min read
Well, this day snuck up on me. It is a day I have thought about for the last 4 months, but now that it is here, I have a lot of feelings. As I mentioned, 4 months ago, my mother decided that she was done being my mom. Over the course of 34 years, she has been in and out of my life more times than I can count. I finally reached my breaking point and have decided that no matter what happens, I will not and cannot let her back in.
One thing about my mother, is she lives for attention. Every year, she expected a text, phone call, and a Facebook post for her birthday. We joked that the whole month was dedicated to her. If someone in her life didn't do something she wanted or if she wasn't getting her way, she would say "but it's my birthday month". I know that it was a joke, but I do think deep down she expected that to change things in her favor. One thing I have noticed this year, is that I feel a sense of relief going into her birthday. I don't have to walk on eggshells to make sure I say the right thing, post the right words, and call at the right time. Several years ago, I made a post with a lot of cute pictures and said something along the lines of "something something something...I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I am so glad that you are my mom and that our relationship is growing." Not 2 minutes after I posted that, she called me and said that she hated how I worded it and if I always felt the need to tell the world that she was a horrible mother, then she would be one and she was done. She walked away from our relationship that day (for a few months) for embarrassing her in front of her friends. But the harsh reality was, her friends already knew that we had a rocky relationship. It's wasn't a secret.
There are so many feelings surrounding her birthday this year. Anger. Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Grief. Anger that we are back to this point. Anger that we are not speaking. Anger that she let a stupid Facebook post about my friends cause her to walk away...again. I feel shameful that I have no plan to write my mother today. Guilt because I know that she is secretly sitting at home hoping that she will hear from me. And Sad because today should be a celebratory day for my mom and if I know her at all, I know she is struggling.
I talked with my therapist about the mother wound this week. I told her that I thought I was over it and she told me that it will always be difficult, that it is so deep. That's when I realized that grief was something that I will always have to work through when it comes to my mother. Grief that I do not get to share birthdays with her, holidays with her, or important events with her. When Rhiannon and I were at the Knicks game a few weeks ago, I turned to her and whispered "I wish I could tell my mom about this" as I took in the excitement surrounding us. I didn't mean it as sad as it came across, and I wasn't devastated, but it was a moment in my life that I would have loved to have been able to share with her. I have thought a lot about her and this NYC Marathon journey. I know she would be bugging me every single day asking if I have walked, what I did to push myself, or something along those lines. I would be annoyed, but secretly, I would love it. I have to deal with the fact that my mother will not be there when I cross the finish line after working so hard for this. Grieving a mother that is still alive is something that I was not really prepared for and something that I am having to learn how to do.
No matter what I feel...as much as I don't want her energy back in my life, I also don't want her to be sad or hurt. I wish for her to have a happy life, to be surrounded by love and laughter and friendship. So here's to you, mom, Happy Birthday!
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