Authentically Me.

This past week, I had a friend come over and watch My Mom Jayne with me. This was her first time seeing it and my 4th. Each time I have watched this documentary, I have gained a deeper understanding about family and the roles we all play within our families.

The first time I watched the documentary, I was watching it because Mariska Hargitay directed it and I thought it was just going to be about her life. The second time I turned it on, was when I was really struggling with my mother walking out of my life. I saw it in a different light, although I am still not sure I got what I was supposed to get from it that time either. It did set me up to start healing my mother-wound, I just think that there was more I needed to take from it that I wasn't ready to yet. The third time I watched it was to show another friend. I was too invested in them watching it to really allow myself to take it in again.

But this last time I watched it, I feel like I saw a completely different movie. I cried more, I understood more, and I felt more: more compassion, more love, more empathy. Growing up, I always felt like the odd one out in my family. I knew from an early age that I was different. I was loud and annoying. I was messy. I was always talking about music and Los Angeles. I loved being in Atlanta. Once I got my license, sometimes I would just drive to Atlanta to see the skyline and turn around and go home. I was more emotional than the people in my family. I felt things deeper. I was very sensitive. I was nothing like anyone else.

Because I was so different, I would hear things like "you should be more like your cousin. She's quiet. She doesn't talk much." Or "Ya know, so-and-so's bedroom is always spotless, you should strive to be more like them." My favorite was "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about." I learned from an early age that who I was is not someone that people wanted to be around. If I wanted people to want to be around me, I needed to change almost everything about myself. And I did. Small changes. I stopped talking as much. I became an introvert. I stayed in my room. I minded my own business. I didn't really go out with the family, I was more content staying home, alone. That way, I didn't upset the people around my by being someone that they didn't like.

I know that I have shared this a few times now, but as I got older, I was told that being in fandoms was something that I was too old for. That I should be more concerned of being part of a community in person rather than online. I was told that my hyper-fixations were "part of the 'tism". When people say this, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. That I only care about Mariska Hargitay or the Knicks or New York or Idina Menzel or or or because I have autism. Yes, I cried almost every single day leading up to seeing Mariska on Broadway. I wasn't crying because she is Mariska Hargitay. I was crying because after being a fan for 27 years, I was going to be in the room with the person who believed me first, the one who has taught me how to heal, the one who helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. It's not a hyper-fixation or obsession. It's gratitude.

Since starting this journey back in January, I have found myself learning to be more of who I am rather than who I think people want to be around. I talk about the things I am passionate about. I allow myself to feel things deeply. I cry at the idea of seeing important people. If someone doesn't like that, they can go find less. I've spent so many years trying to make others happy, that I lost myself along the way. I became mean and miserable. I denied myself joy because I was too worried about what others were going to think or say. I didn't like who I was or how I treated people. I have found that it is a lot easier to be truly happy when you are your authentic self rather than when you are trying to be who the world is telling you to be.

Jayne Mansfield was known for being a bombshell. This was the pressure that Hollywood and society placed on her. When she was trying to become a more serious actress or show the world that she was so much more than just her looks, no one wanted anything to do with her. Jayne Mansfield was so much more than just a blonde in heels and a bathing suit. She was an intellect, a musician, spoke 5 languages fluently, and was a mom who loved her kids fiercely. These are things about her that the world seldom got to see. There is a moment in the documentary where Jayne is showing a tv host that she can play the violin. He lets her play a few second before he interrupts her and says "Yeah, who cares. Now kiss me." My stomach lurches every time I watch her sit the violin down. My heart hurts. She was so proud to show the world her talent, but the world was not accepting that a woman could be more than her looks.

I have learned many things from My Mom Jayne, but the one the has been weighing on me this week is that society will always have an opinion on who you should be and what you should be. However, the thing that will bring you the most joy in life is learning to allow yourself the freedom of being you, authentically so.

#JoyfulJourneyHappyHeart